Saturday, October 9, 2010

Feeling Empty

October 2nd..........Gandhi Jayanti........Mumbai Airport.........a taxi cab driver named Mohamed

Four quick and easy facts that I will never forget............the day I lost a very dear friend.

We had known each other for just over two years.........almost had been inseparable since the beginning of our relationship.

We worked together, instinctively.........feeding off one another...........the other always knowing what the other was thinking...........we did some great things together, if I do say so myself.............but this was confirmed by others who thought the same.

My friend taught me to look at things in life differently........everyday life..........what I could see with my own eyes was surprisingly much different that what I could see through my friend........my friend pushed me, helped me to try new things.......led me to take risks..........taught me to capture the moment............taught me that life was an adventure and meant to be enjoyed.

My friend made me slow down..........stop and smell the roses, the daisies.......flowers of all kinds actually. My friend taught me to take an interest in others............strangers..........strangers who became temporary friends......there were times we brought joy to the lives of those we interacted with.....we were good together......

Damn, we made some memories..........looking back and remembering all we had been through..........all that we have done together. We were close..........we drew stares when we were on the street.......sometimes people would smile at us............sometimes we were dismissed with the wave of a hand.......my friend had a special talent of breaking down barriers........especially language barriers.......

I feel sad and stupid .....at the same time.........lost and empty......void and sick to my stomach when I think about how it happened.

I feel this way often.............especially when driving through uncharted territory.............watching life and opportunities flash by through the window of the car........any car..........any city..............even the view from the window of an airplane...........it doesn't matter where.......I miss my friend.......I hate seeing things that remind me of the loss.

It's like calling a familiar number.................and not having anyone pick up on the other end.

I have constant reminders too...things left behind........things that used to charge us both.........things that prepared us for our next adventure together, left behind as useless reminders of our past together......

I have suffered many losses in my life..............this feeling is not new to me.....just the most recent...........certainly not the most painful..............but it is currently serving as a reminder ....be careful with those that mean the most to you.........don't take anything for granted...............don't treat things casually...........you never know when a loss will occur............when a friend will disappear from your life..........perhaps as a result of something you did..............something stupid......something that you will regret.

Damn.......I could kick myself................it was my fault...........I just want to scream........oh how stupid could I have been.

I know..........life goes on.............new relationships can be forged........new memories captured.......maybe I should look at this as an opportunity.......I know......I have been told............something better is right around the corner...........get a new friend.............a better friend.........but right now I am at a low point...........unmotivated to search..........discover.............yet I dream.....the sickness and emptiness and the desire to kick myself returns

I lost my friend............it was my fault.........October 2nd..........I LOST MY CAMERA........I placed it on the roof of the taxi........got distracted...........turned and walked away......left it behind....I didn't realize what happened until I was in the strapped tightly in the seat of the plane...........just before speeding down the runway of the airport in Mumbai.........

3 comments:

a reason to write said...

You trickster - I thought you were talking about Ramesh - I was almost in tears. Thank God it was just your camera - that can be replaced! Nameless in DC.

Anonymous said...

I thought he was talking about Ramesh too!! Lloyd, I have to give you props...you are getting really good at this blogging thing. Suspense, intrigue, emotional tie...had me rushing to read the whole thing. Wow! -Chee

Ram said...

Dear Lloyd, Commisserations on your loss. I can only console you with my belief that he lives on in another world and that he will soon return in a new avatar to you: the latest top of the line, whatever catches your fancy!
Enjoyed the post. Cheers! Ram